Praxis Heinis
Decision Conflicts
When head and gut disagree
Therapy for decision conflicts: when you're going round in circles and no option feels like the right one
Some decisions in life can’t be made on the side, even though deciding isn’t actually hard. We do it every day, weighing things up, sorting the options and committing. Done. But with some questions we get nowhere, because we feel stuck. Sometimes it feels as if there were only two options and neither of them feels right. Or as if there were no way out at all, because no decision brings you any closer, or every one of them leaves you feeling miserable. In the end, all of this just shows how complex the situation can really be.
Still, not deciding anything is usually the worst decision of all.
Small questions and decisions we settle easily. Bigger ones we often talk through with others. And then there are decisions where at some point it feels like everything has been calculated: pros and cons, conversations with friends, the whole thing talked through once more. And still we’re stuck. Often that has nothing to do with too little thinking. Sometimes it’s too much, or the wrong questions.
I work with people who are stuck between options and need support finding their direction. In their relationship, their family, their work, and everything in between.
What people come to me with
- Relationship: stay or go, fight or end it.
- An affair: tell or keep it to yourself.
- Opening the relationship: yes or no, when or how.
- Wanting children: with whom, when, one more or none.
- Family: care, inheritance, contact. Take it on or let go.
- Work: quit, change or stay.
- Self-employment: take the leap or bury the idea.
- The future: moving, buying a house, or a new direction.
- Coming out: now, later or not at all.
- Inner decisions: the ones already made, facing them or putting them off.
Why the pros-and-cons list alone won't get you there
For many people, lists are a helpful tool: they collect the arguments and weigh them against each other. The trouble is, in a decision conflict the arguments are rarely the problem. Underneath the rational layer there are usually deeper themes, patterns or conflicts that feel like a problem with no solution.
In our work together, we go beyond the lists and the arguments and look at what lies beneath them. That can be other parts of you, fears or patterns you might have. The work is to bring these things to light, so you get a clear view of what your options really are. And where a decision or a situation is complex, we bring structure into it, so you can actually see your way through.
How I work with this
First, we bring some clarity into the situation you’re describing. I listen a lot, take in all the factors and ask you plenty of questions. Sometimes I already notice things that are hard to see when you’re in the middle of it, and just having someone else look at it helps. In this first stage, we work out which factors are in play and which questions really matter. Even a decision that looks simple from the outside, like the colour of the next car, can be one you argue about or simply can’t make. Then the question is what lies underneath it, and we go from the story to what’s really at stake, maybe freedom of choice or a value that’s being violated. “Should I quit” sometimes means “Am I allowed to want what I want”.
Then we widen the decision space, the room you have to decide in. Often it feels as if there were only two options, and that can feel suffocating, especially when neither of them feels right. That’s where we get stuck. There are almost always more than two, and as long as there are only two, every decision is all or nothing.
We look at which parts of you speak up when the decision has to be made, and what your inner voices are telling you. Each of them has a point: maybe there’s a side that wants safety, a side that wants adventure, or one that mainly sees danger in some of the options. We also notice how your body joins in, which lets us test how the different options actually feel. Turning towards those parts of you and your patterns is where you can get unstuck from some of the conflicts you’re feeling.
I don’t decide for you, and I won’t take the decision off your hands. What I bring is a framework in which your own answer can become visible, and someone who walks the path with you.
Alone or together, private or professional
Frequently asked questions
No, I can’t. It’s your life, and you know it better than I do. What I can do: clarify the question with you, make visible what in you speaks for and against, including the fears, and give you a framework in which you make your decision yourself and can live with it afterwards.
No. You’re in conflict with what needs deciding, or with the consequences attached to it. That’s exactly what we work on.
Yes. Quitting, going self-employed, a move abroad: professional decision conflicts belong in this work just as much as private ones.
Yes, of course. Whether it makes sense to involve your partner is something we work out together. Some decisions you make alone, and your partner doesn’t belong in them yet. That becomes clear as soon as we talk.
That happens, and it isn’t a failure. Often the real step is being able to leave a question open without it eating you up.
I can’t seriously estimate that in advance. A decision conflict can be small or big. Sometimes one or two sessions are enough, sometimes it takes more.
Therapy. I’m a state-authorized psychotherapy practitioner (Heilpraktikerin für Psychotherapie) and work with Emotionally Focused Therapy and Schema Therapy. If what you bring belongs more in coaching, we’ll happily talk that through together.
The rates are on the fees page. Statutory health insurance doesn’t cover the costs. Private insurers reimburse in part, depending on your plan. Best to check beforehand. The first intro appointment is free.
When is the right time?
That’s a very individual question. Most of the time, though, we know: the best decisions are made when you’re not under too much pressure. When you’re forced into it, a decision surely does get made. Nevertheless, the question is: is that then the right decision?
It’s good to decide before someone else does it for you, or before you’re too exhausted to decide at all. Some things are time-critical, and those deserve a close look. Very often, though, you have more time than you think.
And sometimes it starts smaller: beginning to talk about certain topics, and working out with everyone involved how to prepare well, before you do something you’ll regret later.